Last Saturday I read the article on WSJ “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior” and immediately shared it on my Facebook page. I then had a discussion with a friend of mine who is a psychologist teaching parenting skills. She stated: “A middle approach is helpful: no name-calling and being supportive but not timid - and expecting the best!”
Below is my email sharing my thoughts with her.
Thanks for your comments. I agree that somewhere in the middle --not the extremes (between the Chinese Way and the Western Way) should be the way to go. It also has to be adjusted to different children.
My older one is very intelligent, but laid back, easy going. When he was little, I didn't demand too much from him academically and hoped he would develop at his own pace. I just didn't know if I should push him too much academically at a young age. I was more interested in seeing where his interests were and what he was naturally good at. Now he is a freshman in high school and I certainly see he is still working on strict self-discipline to get high grades although he got into the honor program at St. John's Prep with his high SSAT scores and enjoys his classes. I can't use Amy Chua's method on him now since he is a teenager, but I often tell him that he needs to work hard and be self-motivated. I think he understands it but doesn't have the discipline and the habit to do it consistently yet. It will be a process and I hope he can get it before he goes to college.
My younger son is different. He handles his homework mostly by himself without much reminding. He is more of a perfectionist and very competitive, but can be insecure and anxious sometimes. I spent a lot of time working on his social and emotional development instead of academic development which most Chinese parents don't necessarily think is a big deal, believing that a child will grow and mature on his own.
From the article, I see Amy Chua describes the Chinese culture of raising children very true and clear although a little extreme in her own way. I am not for her extreme methods. But I was raised to live up to my parents' high academic and professional expectations well into my adulthood. From 4th grade, my parents expected me to get 100 points in all subjects. My grandma lived with us and together with my parents, they wouldn't let me do any house chores. As my grandma said, I was raised "to open my mouth when food is served and stretch out my arms when clothes are put on". I scored high in the national college entrance exam and got into the top university of China, which at the time had an over 80% male student body, with a major in computer technology and engineering chosen by my mother. When I had my children in the US, my parents came to help me out. My Mom said that she would help me with child care so that I could advance my career. It was a totally different way of spoiling and demanding of offspring.
To raise my own children, I constantly feel the differences between the Chinese Way and the Western Way. I share a lot of the Chinese cultural values and beliefs that Amy Chua described, but I’m not always certain of the best way to carry them out in raising my boys in America. My mother-in-law often reminds me that I am living in America and that is not what Americans do. My husband tells me that there is no one way to do things here in America. Right, but we have to establish a Wang-Bedell Way as I told him. My husband has lots of intellectual interests. He is a very tolerant person and enjoys playing with our children. I prefer more structured routines, staying focused and setting high expectations for my children, while my husband doesn't always take strict stands. Children sense the difference and get by as much as they can. Or they maybe just get confused and try to figure out what to do. As a result, we don't get to extremes, but I am not sure if we can raise our children to reach their highest potential as I hope.
Parenting is very challenging, yet is very rewarding. I am committed to this journey of trial and error to establish our Wang-Bedell Way to raise our two sons.
